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"We're all just walking each other home." - - Ram Dass







Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Gravity





I held you tonight.
Pulled your body to mine, shifting limbs that spill out of my lap
until you are tight in my embrace.

Your tears are silent streams
running the length of my neck, pooling silently on my collarbone
as your body shakes with grief.

You had a dream that our dog had died.

You stood above the open ground
and felt the panic of how to write the fullness of life
on her headstone.

"One sentence Mama, to capture all that love."

I rocked you and asked gently if you had come to any conclusions.
You had sweet boy.
You said you would write

"My dear Layla, I loved you so."

I thought of the whole world outside our door
that would be so lucky, and run so differently
if they found that one line written on their slate by your hand.

As fresh waves took you deeper towards the pain
I did nothing to stop you from feeling the hurt.
I sat with you in my lap and your heart on the wire.

Because my darling son -
my boy of wonder, darkness, and light
you can't truly love without letting all that pain in too.

Your heart, forever wide lined with ancient wisdom, is made on nights like this.
It is these moments of despair and fleeting mortality
that has the gravity to sink you more fully into the belly of it all.

Let's you feel the heat of the life blood,
while you cling to the brown scruff of your faithful friend
as you explain that

she's been by your side since the day you were born, 
and you didn't know the world without her in it.

You wondered out loud why you didn't feel any better knowing it had just been a dream.
You lifted your head from my shoulders to seek my eyes
before you said

"Because it's not just a dream, is it?  
We are all really dying bit-by-bit.  
It's not today I have to say goodbye, but still there IS a someday.."

My own tears slipped out as I nodded
to this soul who had divinely quickened within my womb.
Who by the very act of creating, I had committed to walking life full through.


I ached to tell you that it would be alright.
That the monsters wouldn't come
simply because today, they weren't at our door.

But your soul, who so often guides mine
stopped me short of offering a silver lie
to get us through the night.

Instead, I wrapped myself more fully around you
allowed the darkness to hold us close
and listened to you wrestle and grapple the frailty of it all

until at last...the rhythm of your heart and your slumbered breath met.

And still I hold you.
For I can't keep those dreams, those truth from finding you
but for at least tonight, you don't have to face them without me by your side.






(linking with EmilyHeather, iPPP, and )

50 comments:

  1. I don't have words for how beautiful this is.

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    1. awh. thanks Shannon! so glad to have found each other :)

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  2. Tears! My favorite line - "Who by the very act of creating, I had committed to walking life full through." So beautiful.

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  3. Sigh. Very wonderful.

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  4. breathtaking. every word spun deep through my bones.

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  5. beautiful words
    truth from his lips
    we are all dying bit by bit
    yet having counted the cost
    still choose the pain of love

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  6. Wow; the wisdom he holds in his heart is amazing. The part that struck home to me - "Because its not just a dream, is it? We are all really dying bit by bit. It's not today I have to say goodbye, but still there IS a someday.." We talk through death a lot as I talk about my father; we all need to work through this part of our lives at some point. Another excellent piece, Tara.

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    1. it's hard isn't it? knowing we can't shield them from life. The best we can do is stand watch of their hearts and be there when the time comes. I have no doubt you do so beautifully.

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  7. Oh my heart is JUST SO HAPPY that you are writing here again. PURE GIFT. Thank you friend!

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  8. What a treat to get your words in my inbox this morning. You captured this moment and all its ethereal beauty with such intimacy and passion Tara, as always. I'm certain you will look back on these words you write now, when your kids are writing their own, and they will be like rubbing your fingers over the imprint the moments left on your heart. A smiling remembrance of how loved rooted one day at a time in motherhood.

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    1. feels good to be back, and a bright smile to see your name pop up here. yes, exactly. that is why I choose to write motherhood out, so that these small moments are recorded and witnessed. xx.

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  9. SO GLAD TO SEE YOUR NAME TODAY. And this? Oh.My.Goodness. Thank you so very much for this genius, this sweetness, this truth.

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    1. I'm so glad to see yours!! :) I am so grateful for you, always.

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  10. Thank you for not "offering a silver lie" and for giving us the moment.

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  11. I am crying. Oh Tara, I love this so much. My heart aches at this..."you can't truly love without letting all that pain in too."...because it's true. It's living sorrow and joy at the same time. This is one of my favorite pieces you've ever written, and I love everything you write. I know I'll return and read this again.

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    1. oh, you... thank you for being such a beautiful witness and friend on this journey.

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  12. I have a senstitive soul here, too. I love what you said about creating him and in turn, walking him through life. But it's so hard sometimes, isn't it?

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  13. This is so beautifully written. It grabbed hold of my heart and I cried along with your son. He has a poet's soul. There is such truth, wisdom and substance in this poem. It builds like a musical crescendo and then that tender ending:

    until at last...the rhythm of your heart and your slumbered breath met.

    And still I hold you.
    For I can't keep those dreams, those truth from finding you
    but for at least tonight, you don't have to face them without me by your side.

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  14. Gorgeous. Packed full of emotion and truth, which I love in a poem.

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  15. I loved this for so many reasons. Each stanza was like a sacred gift. Just one of my favorites: "But your soul, who so often guides mine / stopped me short of offering a silver lie / to get us through the night."

    Also, love the Ram Dass quote. Karen

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  16. Heavy sigh... I've cried so much for my son this past week. Hold him while he still needs you, and hold him in your heart every minute of that and beyond!

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  17. Oh, so beautiful! And such a wonderful portrait of a mother just being there for her child. Lovely.

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  18. Only one word is needed to sum this up: Beautiful! Thank yo so much for sharing your lovely words.

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  19. Those important to us are the ones who inspire us. Obviously this is what happened to you. Poetry is such a great way to express oneself. Cuddos.

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  20. Oh, this made me tear up! I never cried so much before becoming a mother. It just awakens such emotion, and so does your writing!

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  21. What a beautiful poem! I felt like I was in the center of it all, right with you. It's hard even for us adults to learn those lessons, isn't it? What beautiful, potent words! You have inspired me. Visiting from #Sits

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  22. You have a talent that needs to be shared. Thank you for sharing it with us. Inspiring. Visiting from SITS

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  23. So beautifully written. Got a lump in my throat. Holding back tears only because I'm working and no one wants their phone call answered by a woman sobbing ;-)

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  24. What a lovely poem, you write so well. visiting from sits Rosemary

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  25. Beautiful poem. Was such a light in my day to read this. Thanks for sharing

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  26. Such lovely words!

    Stopping by from #SITSBlogging

    Tenns @ New Mama Diaries

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  27. That is beautiful! I love poetry. This is the 2nd blog today that I have come across w/ poetry.
    I am stopping by via The SITS Girls. The link they provided didn't work, but I still found you!

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  28. Very nice. A boy and his dog... so touching! Thanks for sharing.
    #CommentLove #SITSBlogging

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  29. That was a touching poem with such a profound meaning! It made me think about my little boys and how I try to protect them when things go wrong.

    I'm visiting you from The SITS Comment Love Party. Have a great week!

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  30. Poor thing. Dreams can be so real and take a lot of you, even if they are not reality. What a deep, caring son you're raising. Don't ever, ever, EVER let him see Marley & Me though - he'll be scarred for days!

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  31. Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing!
    Visiting from SITS! :)

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  32. This is a beautiful poem. It brought tears to my eyes. You are very talented.

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  33. What a well written poem. You have a lot of nice poems on your site. Ever think of compiling them into a book of poetry? Great Job! Visiting from SITS!

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    1. thanks! I do have a small collection of motherhood poetry and essays called Dreamcatcher. :)

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  34. This is lovely. Do you have a book? I was browsing through and I really like your writing style. If you don't you should think about putting one together. You have more than enough material, right here.

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    1. I do! a small one of poems and essay's about motherhood called Dreamcatcher. There's a link in the upper right hand corner of this page. :) thanks so much for stopping by!

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  35. Beautiful words. You should think about using that blog to book app to keep works together.
    visiting from #sitsgirls

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  36. Beautiful! Having been through the experience your words definitely share the sadness of losing one so dear! Thanks! #sitsgirls

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  37. Oh, Tara your words move me so much.

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    1. oh, you. what would I do without your support? big fat hugs coming your way.

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  38. Such love...such an honor...thank you for sharing it with all of us!!!

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  39. So, so beautiful Tara, I'm at a loss for words.

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