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"We're all just walking each other home." - - Ram Dass







Monday, July 16, 2012

Starting Out For Home

I wonder out loud if cardiac arrest is common for 20 year old females.

I am fairly certain the sharp stabs of pain I feel
are shards of my broken ribcage, cracked open by this wildly beating heart.


I’d ask my sister-in-law, a nurse, but she’s already gone ahead with the others.


There are only two of us now waiting-
My father, collecting his thoughts, swallowing down rising emotions;
and me, practically tripping over this threshold of my past meets future.



I look into the face of the man that raised me.
Who called me Sunshine upon every waking, who pushed me to grow through every fear.
All that he means to me, all of the love and respect for him that I carry,
the uprooting of self and home I feel in these last moments of wearing his name;
sit heavy on my tongue, waiting to be declared.

“I think I might puke” is what tumbles out into the summer air.


He chuckles as he lifts the veil over my eyes that dart back and forth across his face, frantic for reassurance;
“This is good.” He says, his own eyes swimming in the depths of the moment.

He slips my arm through his as the soft wind blows the acoustic cords of “Tara’s Theme” over the tree line.


Gently leading me until the grass, cupping my bare feet, feels more solid and my steps, now sure, match his stride.

I find the smiling faces of the friends who witnessed the quiet bloom of this relationship,
the family who have loved me long before I could form my own name. 
I squeezed my eyes tight, just for a moment, overcome with the amount of love gathered here;
reminding myself to keep this moment tucked deep inside.

 
My reopened gaze falls on his face.
Each of our breath catches somewhere between the intake and expelling
until I feel the smile creep slowly across my face that mirrors his own.



Through the ceremony the birds echo the benediction given by the father-of-the-bride turned preacher.
Each trilled note, sway of breeze, fly buzz past was a reminder
that we belonged to the order of all creation,
and that our promises spoken in the alcove of poplars and pines would sustain us
as the years hurried past.

Beside me was the person with whom I had navigated so much of my adolescent doubt.
The voice that through phone lines sang me to sleep nights when I felt each of the 3,000 miles separating me from home.
The man whom when the doctor told me during my life-threatening hospitalization that he may not be able to save my leg; 
 would consider me no less beautiful, perhaps even more so for the fight I had shown.

With that kiss, pronouncing us husband and wife,
I knew I had found my way back home.

95 comments:

  1. Tara, how beautiful. Two souls meant for each other.
    There's nothing like feeling "at home", is there?!
    Love those pictures!

    Happy Anniversary to you two. Many more to come.

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    1. thank you, Kerstin! both for the well wishes and the way in which you alway encourage.

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  2. Stunning bride, stunning piece.

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  3. Truly, there's never been a more beautiful bride. Yesterday was my husband's and my 5-year wedding anniversary. We had a terrible fight and didn't celebrate at all. So ya-hoo! Hope your 8th wedding anniversary is happier than that!

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    1. ugh. don't you hate when the real life of marriage gets in the way of the celebrating? so sorry it was a rough day...if it makes you feel any better, my husband is gone on business for ours, i'll be a party of one :) Hope your summer is going well and that baby is getting big and strong!

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  4. home. . .we start there, then search for it, for sometimes such a long time. beautiful piece. gorgeous photos. my words fail to express what I got from your words and images. thank you, Tara. and many blessings to your family.

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    1. oh Kimberly, the way you are so gracious with your appreciation and kindness is so lovely. what a beautiful woman you are, i mean that with all my heart.

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  5. What a beautiful post! I didn't even think about a wedding as the moment of a first kiss. One of my favorite parts of Yeah Write is the opportunity to see where the writer's mind takes each of us in responses to the prompts. And I loved the gorgeous pictures.

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    1. don't you just love that? so happy for YeahWrite for bringing all you wonderful writers into my life :)

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  6. magnificent pictures and words combined to tell a wonderful wedding story.

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    1. thank you Robbie, you would be one to know a thing or two about telling a wonderful story :)

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  7. Yay...that's what I felt like at the end of your post. What a beautiful story and beautiful writing. At our wedding, for some reason in the Methodist liturgy they don't say "you may kiss the bride." Thinking back, I was so worried we would forget. And in the video (yes, so long ago it was video), you see me pulling my husband back to kiss him because he was already halfway up the aisle.

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    1. haha. i bet that was the best part! i love those little moments that make our wedding "ours".

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  8. Lovely, Tara.
    One of my favorite quotes is from George Matheson, "It is not to get rid of home that He would teach you to fly. It is that you may learn by travel that your home is wider than your nest."

    You seem to echo this sentiment here -- in discovering the breadth of your Home.

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    1. oh my goodness, Kelli!! I've never heard that quote, but i adore it. it is exactly the feeling i was going for, and the one i am trying to learn to live by. Thank you, thank you!

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  9. Just beautiful. I love that you got married outside in your bare feet.

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    1. :) i feel the most at home out there, with nothing between me and the dirt, ya know?

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  10. Happiest of anniversaries to you. You look gorgeous in those photos and your words, breathtaking as always. You take us to a different time and place every single time I read you. Glad your home in your heart.

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    1. i wish i knew then that i would never look so young again :) so glad you come with me, you make such a difference because you're here. xo

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  11. Love the post and the photos too. I especially like the parts about your dad before the ceremony. There is nothing quite like the moment before a bride walks down the aisle on the arm of her dad.

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    1. i full-heartedly agree! it's the memory i hold the most of that day.

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  12. Happy Anniversary! And as always, beautiful writing from a beautiful woman. And, oh, those pictures!

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  13. Oh, Tara. I am so glad I found you over at Yeah Write a few challenges ago. When I saw that you had linked up for this one, I knew that I would want to savor your post slowly and quietly. I saw your name on the grid but it was a rush around dinnertime and my lovely little 5 you was all about the mama-mama (which of course, is top priority!) - so glad I saved this - it was WONDERFUL! So well done.

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    1. i hear ya about dinner time, same thing happens here :) so glad you came back, and yea for Yeah Write!

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  14. Absolutely beautiful. I love how you captured this moment and I know you will keep holding this memory and reading back on these words for so many years to come.

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    1. that's the main reason i write. to keep these moments tucked up under my breast. next to the heart. and maybe? someone will remember a moment such as this tucked up deep within them, too.

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  15. So beautiful! And I always describe meeting my husband as coming home, too.

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    1. so glad you have someone like this too. they're kind of the greatest.

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  16. I remember standing with my dad, just as we were about to talk our walk down the aisle. He said, "We're just taking a little walk. That's all it is."

    Our bargain-basement photographer lost the roll of film (yes, that's how long I've been married--we used film!)which had the pictures of my father walking me down the aisle.

    Dad's gone now, but I will always carry that picture in my heart.

    Thanks for inviting us along to share in this day.

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    1. oh, what a great. great memory! Hey, my pictures were on film too, i just scanned some of them in to my computer last year!

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  17. Mmm, such an exquisitely wonderful lump you put in my throat with these words. Took me back to my own wedding day and the moments with my step-dad.

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    1. so glad this could bring you back to those special moments you hold. they are a treasure.

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  18. lovely, lovely, lovely you.
    xo

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  19. incredibly beautiful. the piece and the photos.

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  20. I love your writing so much. Your words truly envelop the reader. So beautiful.

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    1. what a wonderful thing to say, thank you kindly.

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  21. I just love a good love story! :)

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    1. love stories are the best, aren't they?

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  22. Beautiful tribute to marriage. I still feel most at home when with my husband of 38 years. You have a beautiful writing voice.

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    1. wishing you 38 more years of coming home :)

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  23. I felt like I was right there watching as you shared the experience of your wedding day with us. What a neat thing to have your father walk you down the isle and then also lead the sermon. WOW! A great story, told beautifully.

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    1. it was pretty special to have my daddy marry us. someone who clearly wants the best for you both.

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  24. This was so beautiful Tara. Truly. You are a gifted writer and I wish you a beautiful year ahead with your husband. :) Happy Anniversary!

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  25. My first visit here and your beautiful story captured my heart. Love the last photo :)

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    1. well, hello! thanks for the kind words :)

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  26. Oh my goodness ... I just sobbed my way through this BEAUTIFUL post ... I now have to re-apply my mascara ... so beautifully written I could feel all the emotion and beauty of it, and when I saw that it was your dad that married you the lump grew bigger in my throat.
    This was my first visit here and my first link up with SDG ... loved being here!

    Shelley

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    1. awh, so glad you are here...so sorry to make you need to re-apply :)

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  27. My heart stopped reading this.
    You certainly have some poetry in you, girl.
    What a what a what a what a post!!!
    LOVED-LOVED-LOVED this. PS: You are such a beautiful couple.

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    1. oh, man. you are too much kindness roled up into a killer lady. always so happy to see you here :)

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  28. Awww... what a lovely, sweet wedding. I especially liked how your writing style suited the subject matter. Heartfelt and gentle. Nice post!

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  29. Stunning photos, beautifully written, engaging beyond words. I loved this story so much!

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  30. Tara, this is so beautiful. Every word of your telling and every photograph of captured beauty on this holy day is remarkable. You have taken us to a gentle and tender moment and I am grateful. May you continue to be blessed in your marriage journey. I will look forward to reading your blog. Happily for me, I am following you on facebook so I can follow along. Your photographs of the day just sparkle with your joy.

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  31. A preacher's kid huh? I'm one myself and I married another one, so you can imagine what our wedding was like. :)

    Great post, Tara. I would love to have attended a wedding where the bride walks the aisle to "Gone with the Wind". Classic. :)

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    1. ha. oh man. i can imagine! and? 1000 extra points for knowing what Tara's Theme is from! My mama feel in love with the name Tara after reading Gone with the Wind, so i figured, it may be the only time in my life fitting to play my own theme song, so i went with it :)

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  32. Ah man, this is so gorgeous, visually and through the words. I just adore the pictures and the post and the love that beats through it all. Whew.

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    1. whew to you too and all your sweet words ;)

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  33. Congratulations, Tara. It will be 35 years before you know it. :)

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  34. Oh, this is so, so lovely. The writing, the pictures, wonderful!

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  35. Stunning piece, Tara. You were a beautiful bride.

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    1. thank you! and you are a stunning two time mama :)

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  36. Wonderful, Tara, and gorgeous pictures too. Love that your dad called you "Sunshine."

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    1. me too. our father daughter dance was "you are my sunshine" :)

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  37. Oh happy anniversary, girl!

    Beautiful photos, words, memories, and love!

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  38. Love the part where your dad said "This is good". For some reason that gave me chills. Great post. (Visiting from Memories Captured)

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    1. he's a wise, wise man...so it meant a lot.

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  39. What a sweet memory of your wedding. That's the kind of thing you should save for future generations. They deserve to hear it, too, especially the ones who think they're about to puke.

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    1. it's for sure something i am going to tell my daughter before her wedding day. ha.

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  40. Everything about this piece is beautiful!
    Your words, the story, the pictures, your wedding.... everything was so beautiful, even the "real" parts like your darting eyes and feeling like you were about to puke.
    Lovely, lovely work.

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    1. thanks, Dawn! it was a great day, nervous puke feelings and all. haha.

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  41. Brought a tear to my eye! How amazing "father-of-the-bride turned preacher" :)

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    1. i knew i didn't want anyone else marrying us...

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  42. My goodness, MY heart. I have no children, but this reminds me of walking my baby sister down the aisle – I know how that feels, to give such a piece of you away, and leave her in the hands of someone you can't be sure will take care of her the way that you would. It's a very difficult thing – that's why dad's cry when they do it. But, I think he knew, and obviously he knows, that the one you have chosen will take care of you – dad had to comfort him. And Tara, thank you for swinging by in the middle of one of the biggest struggles of my life. Every day is still a struggle to resist falling again down the rabbit hole. It has cost me so much already and continues to exact a toll – but I trudge forward – feet through heavy snow – following my light. I’ve barely been able to write posts, much less read blogs I heart. Little bits of me are returning piece by piece – and that you were there through it – that means the world to me. God bless and keep you and each and every one of yours this day – happy marriage bliss for the rest of your life!

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    1. oh Craig, no thanks needed. i'm still here with you, shoring you up while you are weary.

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  43. this is my first visit to your blog, and you weave a tale so beautifully with your words and the pictures from that special day. So poetic, and so much emotion. Thank you for sharing this!

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    1. so glad you are here :) thank you so much for your kind words.

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  44. Beautiful, as always. You are such a gifted writer.
    I want to have coffee with you or a glass of wine or just anything where we sit a while and chat.:)

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    1. oh, i would sooo love that. let's plan on starting with a coffee date, and then sit chatting long enough to make it a wine date :)

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    2. I like that! I hope your summer is going well...

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  45. Tara -- lovely, absolutely lovely!

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  46. Oh so beautiful, what amazing moments captured.

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    1. well, you'd know a thing or two about beautiful :)

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