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"We're all just walking each other home." - - Ram Dass







Monday, May 7, 2012

Birthing Warrioress

From the moment we arrived at the hospital,
she gave me cause to worry.

Her heart dipping low with every attempt of my body to bring her forth.
Flesh-on-flesh resistance to being told what to do, and how to do it.


She forced my body to work against itself.
To lie perfectly still, restricted to my side
while all of me knew I needed to find my mother rhythm
walking the floor. rocking with the flow of blood and muscles contracting. the quickening.


She made me draw deep inside myself.
I had to shed what my nature wanted me to do, and in focus what she was telling me to do.


"Come on little bird" is all I could whisper. "Hold tight to my love and let go."

My heart ached. I could not lose her that my soul knew long before my fingers ever stroked the outline of her face.
Or traced the life lines tucked deep inside each tiny palm.

And in her own time, she came.

As dawn settled over the land - My womb yawned wide. Stretching with the rising sun.





She, emerged.


Bearing a flesh necklace wrapped not once, not twice, but four times around her.
A necklace made of the strands that had joined her to me.
This nymph soul, almost strangled by my own bodies attempt to nourish and sustain her.


As she was placed beside me, pain hit my very core.
My previous birthing had left me feeling a warrioress, adrenaline charged and fierce.
She made me ashen, broken, amazed not of my own strength, but of her own.


There was room for only one warrioress now.
I laid myself down, weary. and
called her chosen.


And warrioress she was
with black hair that stood up at every angle.
seven pounds of sheer soul that demanded to be heard. to be attended to.




Baffling even the nurses around me as I asked, crying, what I was doing wrong.

Finally the second lonely night, a nurse ran her cool hand against my forehead,

she told me that some babies just needed to cry. to get out what had been storing up for months.

Not to be discouraged, we would find our way to each other.







And, we have.




In many ways, not only have we found each other, but she has lead me back to myself.


She has been brought into my life to stretch my boundaries. To remind me of all I do not know.
She holds tight to me in ways I've never desired from another human. Seeking my core self.
She lights a fire within me to not just dwell on this earth, but to gather it to me.
To trample down a path so she can run far past me.



She forces me to choose to love well, not just to love in the easy.
She still needs to just cry.
She lives within the heart sewn on her sleeve.


She is the holy reverence of natives dancing with their shadows around open flames.
The way a storm both terrifies and takes your breath away with its strength and beauty.
My little bird, who flies above this place. Touching land only when the spirit moves her.



My burning bush.  My gypsy child.



Oh, how my heart needed you.






Happy Birthday, Warrioress.

You've taken four trips now around the sun, and each time you make that old star burn brighter.



{linking with Soli Deo Gloria Party, Just Write, Imperfect Prose}

70 comments:

  1. Love this birthday message, Tara! Gave me goosebumps this morning. Judy Hintz

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  2. She is so beautiful. Isn't it amazing how God chooses to teach us through our children?

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  3. Happy birthday dear one. You are loved more than you know. but your mama is doing a brilliant job of revealing it bit by bit. take it. it's the best gift you'll ever receive.

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  4. oh, so very beautiful. this i would wish for all the new moms i send home after the birthing. for them to know these secrets. this closeness. this mystery.
    thanks so much for sharing who you are with us--each and every time.
    steph

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  5. sorry... typo in my last comment :)

    it's amazing to think about how much we can be aware of when our intuition and senses work within our experiences... you talk about this process so beautifully. and you remind us of how many revelations are taking place in our lives - in the small moments and in the big ones... Happy Birthday, Ava... our world is so fortunate to have you in it...

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  6. Ab.so.lute.ly. A.ma.zing! You drew me in with your very first words. I was held captive by every line and so relieved to see the happy end which is only to be continued! Happy Birthday to your Warrioress!

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  7. wow. just. wow!

    I love this line: "She lives within the heart sewn on her sleeve" - but I really love it all. You put into words what mothering is so powerful and fractured at the same time!

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  8. Oh wow...this is just absolutely beautiful...breath taking...happy birthday to this life giving warrioress:)

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  9. loved this. thanks for sharing your heart.

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  10. This is just gorgeous - free and brave and filled with love and wonder. Happy birthday to you beautiful bird. And thanks be to God for what our children can teach us.

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  11. This is beautiful. I loved the description of the birth. I could never put my experience into words as artfully as you have. Your writing is always so present.

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  12. What a wonderful tribute to a beautiful and miraculous child! Your descriptions are amazing! You really made me think deeply about each of my children's impact on my soul...

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  13. That was a lovely tribute to your beautiful little girl! Someday down the road, and probably on a birthday, she'll read and appreciate you sharing that perspective on the beginning of her life!

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  14. Oh, my heart is breaking-open wide next to yours.
    This "She holds tight to me in ways I've never desired from another human. Seeking my core self." is exactly {exactly!} what I have gone through with my son.
    They are beautiful and demanding and necessary ... and both are little bulls {our Taurus babies!} ... and I'm not surprised!
    Loving you. xo

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  15. Beautiful tale about a beautiful girl. I felt like I was sitting in the delivery room with you. You and she are obviously two very strong women. She has a great role model.

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  16. Oh, the gift you are giving her, with your words and your very self. She is blessed. And so am I for having read it. 'Strength and Beauty', the two of you.

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  17. This is gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. The images you evoked with your words will be with me all day. Thank you for that, and Happy Birthday to your warrioress!

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  18. I adopted both of my children, so I've never had this kind of experience. But I could sense it through the beauty of your words.

    And this: "This nymph soul, almost strangled by my own bodies attempt to nourish and sustain her." There is a painful truth buried there which sometimes extends beyond the birth experience.

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  19. What a beautiful peek into your momma's heart. "Four trips around the sun..." Happy Birthday to the star brightener!

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  20. This is so truly beautiful. Happy birthday to your little girl and congratulations to you, brave mama.

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  21. What a stunning alternative to the usual "birthday letter to my kid" posts. Truly felt this one.

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  22. SO Beautifully written!! you will be getting a vote from me this week!!!!

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  23. This was beautiful. Happy birthday to your lovely child!

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  24. Happy Birthday to your little warrior! What a gift children are!

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  25. You're writing is beautiful, and everyone should know someone as wise as that nurse was when she comforted you.

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  26. Wow! That was powerful! I felt a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

    Visiting from EO.

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  27. Love that you call her the Warrioress. Too sweet. Lovely post---emotional but not cloying. Erin

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  28. So beautiful, you made me cry...

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  29. Wow. I just can't even find the words to express how wonderful, beautiful and TOUCHING this is. It spoke directly to my heart.

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  30. This is just breathtaking. I love this acceptance of who she was/is..."she told me that some babies just needed to cry. to get out what had been storing up for months.
    Not to be discouraged, we would find our way to each other."

    And you did, you found your way, both of you.

    This is gorgeous.

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  31. So beautiful! Made me think of my warrior's birth. He had a plan and his own time tible, and still does. They do change us, don't they? Blessings!

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  32. Awww, happy birthday to her! What a post...I bet she'll appreciate it when she's older (especially when she's had kids).

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  33. Goodness...how beautiful you weave words. I loved the way you told her tale. The way you described being amazing at not your strength but her's. Completely gorgeous.

    This line:

    In many ways, not only have we found each other, but she has lead me back to myself.

    Gosh, you're just SO GOOD. Happy birthday to your Warrioress!

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  34. Happy birthday to your beautiful daughter and such beauty and emotions in your words.

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  35. Wow.
    Beautiful writing.
    I loved the metaphor of the necklace.
    4 times! wow.
    That first night with her crying and you crying - and those helpful nurses.
    The way she led you back to you.
    Wow.

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  36. I have goose pimples from reading this. Beautiful beautiful writing, as always!

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  37. This is so sweet. I can tell with every word how much you love her and how she is the center (one of the centers) of your universe. And she is so beautiful. A beautiful poem for a beautiful girl. I so love reading your posts Tara!

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  38. Lovely words for a beautiful child. She will treasure this some day, I'm sure.

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  39. So beautifully written! This is such a wonderful gift to give your gorgeous, strong girl.

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  40. This post is simply gorgeous. Rarely do I get to read something so moving.

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  41. whoa, lady. WOW. This was just...choked me right up and I felt it so much. It's just so good. So powerful. Thank you.

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  42. This moved me. What a gift. Thank you!

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  43. <3 Beautiful. Happy birthday to your little warrioress.

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  44. Beautiful. Happy Birthday to your daughter.

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  45. This is so gorgeous. What a story. One you will tell her, and read her, and remember always. Isn't it amazing that we can be imbued with such strength and such vulnerability in a single moment, in that moment of yawning? This post makes me think of my three girls and their individual entrances into this big, bad and wonderful world. This post also makes me thankful, and deeply so, that I too have chosen to become a citizen of this ineffable blogging world, this world of stories, this world of feeling.

    Thank you so much. So thrilled to be here on your beautiful blog.

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  46. happy birthday to your warrioress...love as you talk about how she pushes you and shows you things you dont know...my kids do that...having kids radically altered the way i see much and live life...

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  47. "each time you make that old star burn brighter" gah! love it!!!

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  48. This is strong and gentle. Tender and tough. I love that you shared and that I got to partake. Thanks for sharing your beautiful story, your beautiful experiences of mommahood and more. Grateful that I stopped over here today. I am going to come back for more of the beauty.

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  49. Beautiful, Tara.

    "I could not lose her that my soul knew long before my fingers ever stroked the outline of her face."


    Jennifer Dougan
    www.jenniferdougan.com

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  50. this made me weep! she is bright and lovely and your prose, stunning!

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  51. Happy birthday to your beautiful girl.
    Your post is amazing.

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  52. I'm speechless. This was beautiful. I have chill bumps and tears.

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  53. You had me from those first words,
    Her heart dipping low with every attempt of my body to bring her forth.
    Flesh-on-flesh resistance to being told what to do, and how to do it.
    Sounds like my own first child's entrance into the world, and oh, how they have set the tone!
    Beautiful, stunning tribute to your darling warrioress.

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  54. Whoa! Breathtaking.

    My heart needs a gypsy child so very badly. You are blessed.

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  55. oh girl. this makes me long for a girl... i love how you called her your little bird, how you loved her so tenderly from the very start. a stunningly beautiful write, friend. xo

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  56. "I laid myself down, weary. and
    called her chosen."

    dear beautiful bird, you brighten my moment.

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  57. Such powerful words, and she's adorable!

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  58. She's gorgeous, and I think I see a glimpse of that spit-fire you mentioned. I think you're blessed to have one another. This is a beautiful piece of writing.

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  59. So moving. It's amazing how our little ones break us then make us whole again.

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  60. What a beautiful story. No two births are alike, huh?

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  61. I'm so glad you linked this up with The Parent 'Hood today -- it is beautiful writing and a breathtaking picture of your relationship with this beautiful little girl.

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  62. "She is the holy reverence of natives dancing with their shadows around open flames.
    The way a storm both terrifies and takes your breath away with its strength and beauty.
    My little bird, who flies above this place. Touching land only when the spirit moves her.
    My burning bush. My gypsy child. Oh, how my heart needed you."

    Tara, this piece is so beautifully written I want to lay down and just breathe it in for a few minutes. Unfortunately, my warrioress calls. Constantly. We're off on a bike ride in a few minutes. She is my 3rd child, and birthing her was exactly as you described. 36 hours. And when I nearly lost her at age 3, the tempest of that time nearly tore my soul to shreds as I watched her burning-bush-soul go out flame by flame until all I had left to gather to me was a bed of embers. By God's grace, He's given back a burning bush. It is a different kind of fire, and always will be, but she is here, and she is flailing, flying, flourishing through life again.

    (if you want to read more about my warrioress, go to my blog and search down at the bottom Amelia or Amy, or read the links about Amelia's Illness up at the top. My faves: a post of her reciting Bible verses before she got sick http://www.turquoisegates.com/2009/02/amelia-recites.html and a letter I wrote to her when I had to wean her again after she got sick http://www.turquoisegates.com/2010/12/to-my-youngest-daughter-on-her-weaning.html)

    Tara, this post has made me love you just a little bit more! I do think we need to meet IRL. Our warrioresses would be quite the duo (mine is 5).

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  63. As if this wasn't beautiful enough...THE PICTURES! OHMYHEART.

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