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"We're all just walking each other home." - - Ram Dass







Monday, March 5, 2012

Born Of Light



He tells me about it when he gets home;

     "They call it Code Red."

     "If we hear that, we turn off the lights, lock the door and hide under our desks."

My stomach plummets.

     "We do that in case of an intruder comes into the school. Intruders are bad guys, you know."

While my tongue sticks dry to the roof of my mouth. 

How do I tell him that instead of a no-named bad guy in the movies,
 it would most likely be a face he recognized across the barrel of that gun.
Another hurting child, who welds steel in order to be heard.

Oh, my mama instincts fight wild against the notion,
his five year old soul, forehead pressing down against the cool tile floor
arms covering face, as if sheer flesh alone could stop a bullet aimed.

And how is it, I wonder,
that we mamas pack their lunch the next morning
as if these dangers were not real.

As if these lessons
we are forced to teach our children are not present
and that the cruelty of childhood can't have such devastating effects.

I wish suddenly to lock my own doors,
sit silently in the dark.

holding him wildly against me,
never to let go.

I wish to shelter him
from this house of deceit
lies
anguish

to protect him with my body
from the threat of
murder
betrayal.

Yet, my heart knows well, that he is not mine to keep.

He is a force I have been called to love, called to nurture, but not to own.

He belongs free to the beauty and the misery that is, life.

He was born to instill wonder
to trickle laughter
to show a heart that bleeds true.

He was born to see the inner workings
of trains
of toys
of me

He was born to breath excitement
to articulate mysteries that elude the old
to drink in this world in all of its depths and store it deep in his soul eyes.


For he was not born of darkness
No, he is a child born of light.





JourneyTowardsEpiphany

47 comments:

  1. called to love, called to nurture, not to own - true words. I am writing about my daughter today as she turns sixteen this week. Much of what you said here resonates. It's as if we are in the same heart place, long distance. You are a poet of words my friend.

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  2. I could feel your emotions as I read this one, Tara.....my boys came home not long ago with the report of a similar "drill". The thought of it makes you feel like you've been punched in the stomach and for a second you are sure the only sane thing to do is keep them at home forever. But you're right...they are not ours to keep. I have to remind myself over and over that God is bigger than any of my biggest fears. Great writing once again, Tara.

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  3. When I became a mother and asked my mom what advice she wanted to give me, she simply said, "Let Go and Let God." I of course asked her to elaborate and she smiled while assuring me I would figure it out my own way. Her way was not mine to be had.
    and your beautiful, poignant post reminded me of that tender moment I had forgotten. thank you for that gift today, Tara!

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  4. yes...called to love ,nurture but not to own...how we have to remember this...great post...blessings~

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  5. Oh, beautiful! Yes, I sometimes want to hold my gifts- all five of them- close and keep them all to myself. But you are right. They are children of the Light. His to shine through in darkness. Your words are wise and poignant. Thank you.

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  6. so wise of you to see so early that you are called to nurture and not own, but I could relate to your desire to want to protect...wonderful post, Tara :)

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  7. wowsas! it's as though all the emotion and struggle within my own heart is up there in words. I love it so much I will be coming back to it in my own times of wanting to shelter and hold back as a reminder to release them to their Father of light who alone can keep them from the envelopment of darkness.

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  8. And how is it, I wonder,
    that we mamas pack their lunch the next morning
    as if these dangers were not real.


    oh tara. you have such a wonderful way with words... i felt this...

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  9. Yes, yes, I couldn't agree more, Tara.
    I love this {yes, especially this} "He belongs free to the beauty and the misery that is, life."

    xo

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  10. You just can't focus on these possibilities--otherwise you'll go crazy. And really, as public as it is when it happens, there are exponentially more days and schools in which it will never happen at all.

    I love the pictures, btw....

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  11. Oh, how your words tug at this mama's heart--knowing that the world will not be kind to these ones we love so dearly. Mine are now grown, and still my heart grieves for the hurts they will confront in this fallen world.

    As I was reading this, I was reminded of students in the 50s having to duck under their desks during air raid drills in the advent of the nuclear age. I thought we'd left that all behind.

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  12. So beautiful, not because there is tragedy, but because there is light.

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  13. It's so sad that the earthquake drills of my past have faded in importance. How can earthquakes square you when a gun can kill you? I didn't even know that schools have added this type of drill, though I can understand. I feel the same way about wanting to shelter my son, but knowing that I have to let him experience life.

    Great piece, I really enjoyed it.

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  14. "He belongs free to the beauty and misery that life is." I just wish it didn't burn so much when we watch the misery make free with them . . . And that's our own misery as mamas isn't it?

    There is another line of this post that reminds me of Jason Upton, do you listen to him? If you do, we are even bigger bosom sisters - although, my bosoms are quite small . . . but, the sentiment is big. ;)

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    1. hehe...I don't yet! Off to you-tube, I Love new suggestions...pretty sure from the get-go I'll like it... And may I suggest my brothers band to you? ;)

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    2. Umm . . . YES!!! :)

      Jason Upton is for the times when you need your walls to come down and all the garbage stripped from your heart. I recommend his "LIVE from Dublin" album or "1200 ft Below Sea Level".

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  15. "He is a force I have been called to love, called to nurture, but not to own." That sums up motherhood so beautifully!

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  16. This is stunning. You write so beautifully. This post reminds me of 9-11. My oldest was in 1st grade and I was at work. Her school was put on lock down and all I could think of what getting to her, holding her and protecting her from the reality of what was happening.

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  17. oooh...words escape me, dear Tara. you have a gift, friend. a poet, indeed. love this! i felt your emotion, your wonder at the "force" that your boy is--a person all his own, GOD-breathed. isn't it something that He chose to give them to us? amazes me every time. i understand the strong desire to protect, to reel him in--oh, this is such a hard balance.

    thank you so much for all of your sweet encouragement at my place. you have endeared yourself to me. what a sweet one, you are. love to you, new friend!

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  18. This is amazing Tara and my breath leaves me as I watch my little 2 year old reorganize my office. I felt compelled to reach out and touch his head as I envision your mini running through these drills. We can't protect them but we do the best we can to try to teach them for should the need arise we have given them what we need. I wanted to do this same thing with my twins at various points on our journey, but the title of this post is exactly what my words would have said had my heart given them to my fingers, they are all children born of light. Gorgeous!

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  19. Thanks for linking up with us at yeah write this week. Please enjoy your stay with us and I'll look forward to seeing you in the comments of the other blogs on the grid.

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  20. So true, he beauty of parenthood and stewardship! Thanks for sharing!

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  21. ugh..so hard...you know when the shooting happen at virginia tech i was one of the first responders...walking around gathering kids and just loving on them...they were so shattered...and to just have someone to talk to meant so much...i think we need to do more of that talking ont he front end so that scenes like that dont have to happen.

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  22. "holding him wildly against me"....yes, I feel those words everyday...for no reason and so many reasons it's overwhelming most days.

    This brought chills to my skin and tears to my eyes.

    Breathtaking.

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  23. Wow, I feel I could write a similar post about my 6 yr. old son. I remember having the same thoughts when they practiced the intruder drill. Ahhh! Scary for mom, isn't it. But I love how you beautifully and honestly wrote "he is a force I have been called to love but not own". That is what being a mom is all about. Nice job. Visiting from Write it Girl:)

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  24. Oh, this. How it names so much in me during this season. Fear is a powerful tool of the enemy. You are a brave and beautiful warrior. I'm glad to fight this foe beside you.

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  25. This is such a hard one for our mom hearts. Good words.


    Fondly,
    Glenda

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  26. I love this... He was born to see the inner workings
    of trains
    of toys
    of me

    What a beautiful and heartbreaking post.

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  27. Hi Tara,
    He is yours to hold tight, a gift from God.
    Ultimately his Maker’s, but birthed in your womb,
    entrusted into your nest for now.
    Until he’s ready to fly on his own,
    under the shadow of God’s wing.
    You are right to feel this way,
    for you have him in your heart.

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  28. Your post brought tears flowing down my cheeks. My two little boys are babies right now, but the thought that they will learn of the atrocities that could befall them makes my heart shutter. Thank you for your post.

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  29. It breaks my heart to think our little ones have to go through this. There is no more chance for innocence. Last wk I posted a poem on Virginia Tech. Not sure if you saw it or not. This is beautiful.

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  30. So beautiful, straight from a mother's heart. I have the same fears about raising children in today's society. I never would have thought the world would be like it is. As you so eloquently stated, our children are our light... God is the electricity.

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  31. Sixty years ago kids had to do that in case of an attack from another country, and now the fear comes from next door. This is a beautiful post about hope and joy maintained despite so much working against it. Lovely.

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  32. Beautiful photos to go with your wonderful words. I can't even allow my son to walk home from school, which is only 10 minutes away, due to a certain type of people who live on our street.

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  33. Beautifully written, Tara. You have a gift--in your child and in your writing!

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  34. Very lovely. It must be so hard to balance that as a mother...the need to protect and shelter and the need to let them be themselves and grow.

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  35. "Yet, my heart knows well, that he is not mine to keep.
    He is a force I have been called to love, called to nurture, but not to own."
    Such a difficult time we're in. Whether it be a code red, or something else... we're not in control of so much in life.
    Beautiful post.

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  36. This is so compelling and so beautifully written. I am wowed.

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  37. Beautifully written, and I am certain it speaks to every Mom. Goodness knows, it spoke to me.

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  38. My first instinct is to keep them in a bubble.... but I know that would do no good, possibly more harm. This is really well done.

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  39. "Yet, my heart knows well, that he is not mine to keep. He is a force I have been called to love, called to nurture, but not to own."

    Oh, your words resonate deep. I want so much to keep my kids indoors forever, locked away from a world-unknown.

    Your words challenge me, yet again, to love with open arms. Beautiful post.

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  40. I had no idea that they were having drills for school shootings...Wow! What an eye opener...it used to be that we learned what to do if there was a tornado or even a Soviet attack...but what a sad testament to the world we live in that we now have to learn to survive against our very own neighbor and perhaps even one-time friend...This is a lovely reminder of what we truly are as parents: stewards. Thank you friend for this beautiful write, and for sharing it with the Painting Prose community.

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  41. You express one the greatest difficulties of parenting. We know we cannot keep every moment safe for our children unless we keep them at home...and that doesn't even guarantee safety. We have to give those fears over to God and know that our children are really His. Thank you for this post.

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  42. A beautiful post that cuts right to the chase of a mother's heart and worst fears. But we must hold loosely to that which God has given us on loan. They are not ours to keep. Thanks for the post!

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